Suddenly I realized for myself the fresh breeze that rises up when the great burden is laid down.
Most of us go through life with a feeling of struggle. We may have the feeling that there is something wrong with us that we must fix. Or perhaps it's a constant sense that the world is not the way we want it to be, leading to chronic resentment and distress. And, of course, there's our partner, our parents, or kids, or boss, who definitely need to change in order for things to be alright.
And, when we begin to meditate, we find struggle there too. Our mind wanders constantly, and we have the sense of not being able to do it right. We imagine that when we meditate we should be calm, present, and compassionate, but so often that's not at all what's happening. It's easy to give up.
At the core of our struggle is not wanting to be with life as it is. We feel a constant need to figure out the problem and fix it, with ourselves, with our relationships, with society, and even in our meditation.
In fact, we become addicted to struggle. We have formed our identity around it, around our narrative that "The problem is.... (fill in the blank)." We put tons of mental and emotional energy into trying to fix things so that they are the way we think they need to be, and then casting blame when this doesn't work.
Constant discontent. Constant struggle.
How can we, like Fayan, put down the great burden and experience the fresh breeze of intimacy with the world as it is? We can begin to explore this in our meditation.
The key is acceptance of what is, without judgment. Your mind, just as it is, even in it's jumpiness or confusion or anxiety, doesn't need to change. We can welcome our experience with kindness and curiosity, just as it is.
Put down the great burden of struggle, of judgment and comparison, of right and wrong, good and bad.
Beyond our attempts to "fix" and control life, there is a way to walk in the fresh breeze of life as it is. I'll meet you there.
As Tim began his first meditation retreat, he began to notice a contraction in his heart that pained and frightened him. His old fear that his heart could just stop was happening, and his panic was rising. His teacher had told him to simply notice sensations and feelings, so he tried to just sit with what was happening.
Tim had respect for the teachings, so he followed the instructions, even as his experience of panic and pain grew larger. “What is wrong with me that I can’t do this simple thing?” he thought. He began to attack himself internally, blaming himself for his overwhelming emotions and his failure as a meditation student. He also became frightened that everyone in the meditation hall could see what was happening to him, and were judging him. Eventually the feelings became so overwhelming that he ran out of the retreat center.
Tim’s experience is not uncommon. Many meditators have suffered trauma, often more than they are consciously aware of. While meditation can be an important way to work with physical, mental, and emotional states, including trauma, it needs to be approached with skill and care.
Trauma in Meditation
Traumatic experiences are more likely to emerge in meditation than in everyday life because we don’t have our ususal ways to distract ourselves. Anyone who experiences overwhelming feelings, physical pains, or repetitive attacking thoughts during meditation may be having a version of PTSD. This can happen to people who don’t think of themselves as having trauma in their lives.
Other signs of trauma that can show up in meditation are insomnia, anxiety, depression, and physical pains or problems of a vague or unexplained nature.
A Team Approach
There are ways to work with traumatic states that arise in meditation, but skill and care is required. It’s best for the practitioner to work with a meditation teacher with awareness, training, and experience in working with arising trauma. Many traditional teachers and practices don’t take emotional states into account. However a growing number of contemporary teachers also have training in psychology and can help a student to navigate these difficult waters.
It is also best for the practitioner to have a therapist skilled in working at the interface of meditation and trauma. She or he will likely need a safe place, in addition to the meditation center, to talk about difficult things that have come up in life, and to develop skills to notice and respond to traumatic states as they arise. Meditation alone is unlikely to resolve trauma.
Meditating at the Edge of Trauma
For people who are feeling overwhelmed by their thoughts or feelings, seated meditation isn’t the best practice. Try walking meditation, or doing a simple activity such as washing dishes. If what’s happening in your meditation is too much, change it up. Go into nature and touch the earth.
To begin to use difficult states as a path of self-discovery and healing, have the support of a skilled teacher or therapist. The trauma researcher Peter Levine says that titrating painful states is key. It is important to be able to move back and forth between an experience of safety, such as a pleasant or neutral sensation in the body, and allowing for the edge of the traumatic sensation. As the trauma state gets more intense, move back to the felt sense of safety. This oscillation will, over time, allow for the distressing state to be held alongside and within a sense of safety and connection.
Indeed trauma can be used as a fuel for radical self-discovery and healing. However the path is long and intense, and must be navigated with compassion, skill, and care by all involved.
I've been keeping company for the past few weeks with No-Gate Gateway, David Hinton's luminous new translation of the Mumonkan. This collection of koans (or sangha cases, as Hinton calls them) has been widely used for centuries, but until now most of our English translations have been done from the Japanese. Hinton is a translator and scholar of classical Chinese, and at the heart of this text is his fresh explication of the history and meaning of the original characters in the koans. Hinton emphasizes Zen's roots in Taoist philosophy, especially the dialectic between what he calls Absence (emptiness, formlessness) and Presence (form, existence). I believe No-Gate Gateway will help make koan practice vital and approachable for the next generation of Zen students.
I found No-Gate Gateway to be a fresh and exciting approach to these koans. Over and over, koans that are old friends gained new energy and layers of meaning. The introduction alone is essential reading for any student of Zen. Here he puts forth his "wilderness cosmology" of a universe in perpetual transformation. Hinton describes the character for Absence as originating in a pictograph of a woman dancing with foxtails streaming from her hands, an expressive and evocative depiction that belies any sense of nihilism. The character for Absence can also be used for a simple "no" (as in mu and wu), and this doubling of meaning threads throughout the text. He says that in meditation, "eventually the stream of thought falls silent, and we inhabit empty consciousness, free of that center of identity. That is, we inhabit the most fundamental nature of consciousness, an that fundamental nature is nothing other than Absence."
Hinton translates the first koan in the collection, often know as Chao-cho's Mu, as follows:
A monk asked Master Visitation-Land: "A dog too has Buddha-nature, no?"
"Absence," Land replied.
No-Gate Gateway offers a fresh, intimate, and clear take on koan practice, and, I believe, will help the Mumonkan to continue to dance for the next generation of Western Zen students. Because it is anchored in the rhythms of nature, it helps us respond in times of ecological crisis. Because it is wildly poetic, it captures the sweep of the koans, from the inexpressably vast to the deeply personal. And because it is rooted in an understanding of ancient China, it helps us anchor our practice in our own times.
There are aspects of this book that I am grappling with. Hinton's new terminology can feel overworked and reliant on his explication. For example, a term he uses as synonymous with Absence is origin-tissue, defined as "reality as a single tissue, undifferentiated and generative." While I appreciate the poetry here, it's hard to imagine this as a usable term. Similarly, he translates the names of people and places in a way that is hard to get used to. Chao-cho is now Visitation-Land, another shift that is provocative and hard to adapt to.
Western models of the unconscious mind have shifted in exciting ways over the past one hundred years. From Freud's repressed and dynamic models of the unconscious, we have expanded to think about relational, cultural, and ecological dimensions to the aspects of mind of which we are not consciously aware. An emphasis on making the unconscious (more) conscious is at the heart of contemporary depth models of psychotherapy.
Meditation is also a way of coming into relationship with our unconscious mind in a different way. Anyone who has done a meditation retreat knows that aspects of the hidden mind swarm around, and it's not easy to distract ourselves. The first five or so years of my own practice was a messy karmic purge of old fear, rage, and desolation. As usual the practice was just to sit with it, not avoiding or fixing or dramatizing.
And, in meditation, there are moments when all the stories drop away, when our personal psychology gives way to the vastness. We have experiences of deep stillness and absolute interconnection. What we consider to be the "self" is radically altered. Though, for better and for worse, our personalities remain!
Buddhism has a fascinating model of the "storehouse consciousness" in which all the seeds of our karma, and those of generations preceding us, incubate and give rise to our current karma. One fruit of meditation, according to this teaching, is to understand and uproot this karma. But, that's a topic for another day--one I hope to teach soon.
In a life of practice, we become intimate with many aspect of the unconscious. Here are a few I notice. I'm curious about your experience!
-The everyday level of shifting moods, habits, and relational patterns, our "autopilot."
-The deep personal unconscious, the stuff that repeats and reminds us of our childhood and which we'd do anything to escape but we can't... (And which we secretly hope meditation will fix but really we just marinate in it.)
-The aspect of the unconscious that is bigger than the self. From the relational dynamics between two people to currents present in generations of families, cultures, and groups of all kinds. At this level we know we are part of something bigger than ourselves.
-The level of the Absolute. This is impossible to talk about, but we try with language like God or emptiness. Here we find that any personal or transpersonal unconscious is co-extensive with everything, creating a vast and beautiful flow.
Each of these levels of Mind are present at all times, but mostly we are unaware of them. How they relate to each other, and how we can skillfully work with them, is a fascinating work in progress. I look forward to talking together about this!
The Zen tradition has passed through patriarchal cultures, in China, Korea, Japan, and now in the West. Yet, somehow it has maintained a strong yin character, a connection to the fertile, receptive aspect of things. In his book “China on the Mind,” Christopher Bollas says that Eastern thinking is based on the “maternal order,” while Western thinking tends to privilege the “paternal order.” The maternal order is experiential, receptive, and pre-verbal. It is strongly present in the relationship with the early mother. In the maternal order are felt experiences of being an embryo and fetus, being born, being an infant, and the mother-infant bond. It tends to not be expressed in language, but rather it is presentational in nature. That is to say, it can best be expressed by gesture, body, breath, rhythm, coherence, and patterning. The patriarchal order, on the other hand, is based in words, logic, discursive thinking, and evaluation.
So I’m setting out to explore the maternal order of the Zen tradition. I’m starting with Prajnaparamita, the Mother of all Buddhas. Prajnaparamita is, in one incarnation, a goddess who embodies perfect wisdom. She offers clarity of view, transcendent insight into the way things are. But don’t think this means she is pointing to some kind of ideal. Her kind of perfection isn’t something we have to strive to attain. Rather, it’s the nature of things inherently, just as they are.
Prajnaparamita is also the Great Mother, the source of everything, who was worshipped and venerated in the early Ch'an tradition. She is Mother, matrix, guide, gestational body, original love and care. In the sutras, at times she is adored for her generosity, beauty, and fecundity.
In another manifestation, Prajnaparamita is also a group of very important early Buddhist sutras that marked the turn to the Mahayana tradition. The Heart Sutra is a distillation of these teachings, and is chanted in Buddhist gatherings around the world. These sutras are understood as coming from the understanding of the goddess Prajnaparamita; this is her wisdom, her care.
Traditionally, Prajnaparamita is the locus of the tathagarbha, the womb of being. It is from her womb that all things are born. She is the loom of origins, the source. And because she is marked by perfect wisdom, so everything that comes from her womb is marked by Buddha nature. Everything (even you) is whole and complete just as they are. This is the opposite of original sin; it is original perfection, even amid the difficulty and imperfections of life. We are born of Prajnaparamita, and we always have the potential to realize our Buddha nature, in any moment.
Because Prajnaparamita can be powerfully apprehended by her presentation, it’s important to describe her attributes. She is often depicted seated on a lotus throne. The lotus represents the beauty and perfection inherent even in our muddy everyday experience. She carries a sword to cut away delusion. The sword is not used aggressively or violently, but rather to clear away confusion and mistaken views and attachments that obscure our access to her wisdom. She has a sharp quality in a way that can be helpful, to release delusions that keep us small and stuck. Finally, she is beautiful, adorned with jewels, and with a lovely face and body. In this way she allows us to fall in love with her, to gaze upon her with adoration, and also to bring this quality of devotion to other aspects of experience. When we step outside and feel in awe of a tree or flower, we have the same experience of appreciation for the beauty of the world. I recommend getting an image or statue of Prajnaparamita and allowing yourself to meditate in her company.
Finally, we come to Prajnaparamita’s mantra. Mantras aren’t used much in Zen, but this one is an exception. We find it at the end of the Heart Sutra, and it’s a powerful invocation of the Great Mother. Like all mantras, the power is not so much in the meaning, but rather in the energy of the sound itself. Chanting Prajnaparamita’s mantra will invoke her into your practice, and may connect you to her capacities to give and receive love and comfort, to offer a gestational body, and to give nurturance and guidance. Try reciting the Prajnaparamita mantra 108 times and see what happens. Here it is.
Gate gate paragate parasam gate bodhi svaha
Zen is not usually seen as a devotional practice, but invoking the wisdom and generosity of Prajnaparamita can be a source of immense comfort and support.
Reposted from 2016.
When I came to Zen practice in my 20s, I wasn't aware of how much pain I carried. I had managed to seem successful by being a good student, having a decent job, even being a good Zen student. But as I sat all the feelings I had pushed down came crashing into view: the massive self-doubt, the desperate need to be loved, all the buried pain I had managed to gloss over. I approached this in my usual way, by trying to follow the rules, to get better at meditation, with the hope that it would all go away.
Eventually I was honest with my teacher, who recognized that, instead of striving to "fix" myself, what I really needed was the medicine of compassion. As I began to approach my own suffering with a heart of compassion, it became natural to be able to offer kindness more freely to others.
Here's the good news. Compassion is our deepest nature. We don't have to manufacture it, but rather we uncover it. Compassion arises naturally when we see that we are truly interconnected with others.
Thick layers of delusion can obscure our access to compassion. We may believe that if we are compassionate with our selves, we will lose motivation, that we need to whip ourselves so we don't get soft. We may believe we are deserving of punishment. The problem of self-hatred and self-condemnation are rampant in our culture. A lack of compassion is often accompanied by agitation, anxiety and fear, judgment of self and others, and quick anger.
In our afternoon workshop, Fierce Compassion: Cultivating Radical Kindness for Self and Others, we will explore the stories and habits that occlude compassion, as well as guided practices and tools to allow our innate compassion to shine through. Join us!
What Will I Get Out of Meditation Practice?
The popular media these days seems to promise meditation as a cure to all that ails you, from stress to illness to low productivity. And indeed, many people are motivated to take up meditation in response to suffering of one sort or another. But the truth is, real practice won't give you anything you don't already have. We want to make meditation into a self-improvement project. We want to become calmer, wiser, more compassionate, more focused. Over time, we do tend to stumble into these qualities. But we can't just focus on what we want to gain from meditation.
The word "meditation" sounds very spiritual, but really all we are doing is sitting still and attending to our breathing. Lots of thoughts and feelings come and go, but at the core we are just sitting there. In this sense, practice is very physical, and very simple. We are just being with things as they are.
Often we set out with an understandable wish to gain something from our practice. But meditation is much more about stripping away the workings of our minds that get in the way of seeing things as they are. In the course of this work, we find that we relinquish our opinions, judgments, stories about ourselves and the world, even the self-improvement project. We have to give up all our ideas about how we should be and how other people should be. We even give up our much cherished identity. This can be frightening, but it's also incredibly liberating.
What Meditation Won't Help With
Much of our suffering comes from difficult relationships and attachments formed in early childhood. We become indelibly shaped in our relationship with ourselves and others by these patterns, many of which are out of our awareness. Meditation alone does not heal early psychological wounds. For this level of suffering, psychotherapy or psychoanalysis are necessary. As a psychologist for 20 years, and as a Zen teacher, I find that a combination of psychotherapy and meditation together is very powerful for many people
What Meditation Can Help With
What might we hope for as spiritual practice ripens and matures?
After a year of regular practice, you will probably find that you are more compassionate toward yourself and others. You will be less emotionally reactive. And you will be more tolerant of all kinds of difficulty, in yourself and in the world.
After five years of practice, you will likely be experiencing more clarity about who you are and what's important in life. You should have less angst about yourself, and more inclination to see how you can realistically be of help in the world.
After a decade or two of practice, you won't struggle much with life. Your main orientation will be how to best respond to any situation you are in. Not that you will be a perfect person, personality and rough spots endure, but you will be clear and resolved enough about yourself to work with internal and external suffering skillfully.
Practice Beyond Meditation: Stepping into Tradition
While meditation is central to Zen, it is only one part of its method of transformation. In order to mature in our practice, we must take up other aspects of the tradition. When we enter the path of Zen, we become a part of a very old path that has many ways of teaching and supporting us. By becoming a part of a sangha (spiritual community), we find that we support each others' practice, and vividly experience the truth of interdependence. And when we take a spiritual teacher, we are able to form an intimate relationship devoted to cultivating our realization, finding our blind spots, and working with difficulties along the way. And by studying the teachings of Zen, we learn from the wisdom of our ancestors.
In my experience, over years of practice I have been indelibly shaped by taking the precepts and putting them at the center of my life. I've also been fortunate to enlarge the view of practice in the midst of life by immersion in the koan tradition. These are more advanced aspects of practice for those who commit to the Way. But my experience is that the precepts and the koans are a powerful technology for challenging our habits of mind and body, and for waking us up. In order to truly reach mature stages of practice, we are best served by taking on the wisdom of the whole lineage and tradition, and allowing it to work on us.
The coin lost in the river is found in the river.
"Tis a delight to be hidden, but a disaster not to be found."
"You gotta be lost to be found."
-The Wood Brothers
I've been practicing the last couple of weeks, in different settings, the lovely and friendly koan, "The coin lost in the river is found in the river." This koan, from the always amazing Yunmen, often evokes emotion, imagery, and somatic experiences. Try dropping the koan into your meditation and see what happens. Here are some reflections on the koan, your experience may vary.
What does the image of a river evoke? Perhaps it's a specific river. Maybe it's a body feeling of flow. Or other feelings, images, memories.
How do you experience this coin? Is it just an object, perhaps something of value? A particular kind of coin? Something in your body? Or maybe you didn't even notice the coin.
What do you feel you have lost? Can you feel desperate to fill a void, to find something missing, or to fix what's wrong with you? Or perhaps there is a welcome loss, like shedding a skin.
What's it like to find, to be found? What do you most want to find? Did you really lose it? What's it like to feel found by a person or group? Indeed, it is a disaster not to be found.
Crimson Gate Meditation Community is dedicated to offering Zen meditation and inquiry, classes, workshops, retreats and depth psychotherapy that integrates contemporary relational meditation practice with the wisdom of psychology.
Our community meditations are every Sunday evening from 7:30-9pm. This is a drop in group that is free of charge (donations welcomed) and open all. If you are new to us, please come by 7:15 to get meditation guidance and orientation.
Our emphasis is on contemporary practice for modern lives. In our practice we draw on Zen teachings and traditions, as well as contemporary work in psychology, the sciences of complexity and ecosystems, the arts, poetry, philosophy, and social engagement.
Zazen—meditation in silence and stillness—study, and shared inquiry are at the heart of everything we do. Through your participation and sincere practice you help create this community for deep inquiry into our lives and the timeless wisdom and compassion of the Buddhist tradition. This realization permeates the world through our everyday actions, words, and thoughts. Our community is connected not by ritual, dogma, or obligation, but by our aspiration and mutual care. Together we cultivate this dynamic process of waking up and growing up. This is our offering to a troubled world.
This year has SUCKED!! Our insane political situation has preoccupied and terrified many of us. Add to that fires, floods, hurricanes, and other disasters that have rocked us to our core. 2017, don't let the door hit you on the way out.
As we reach the darkest season, the winter solstice, it feels especially important to slow down and connect with the deep source that is especially available to us now. It's the best antidote I know of to living in these challenging times.
In the Zen tradition, the Dark Mysterious is the womb of life, a darkness that is not frightening but rather consoling. It is a place where we can rest and find sustenance.
Here are some thoughts on how to focus your home practice in these dark days and nights.
-Light a candle in your practice space, and bring in items that bring you comfort. You might wrap yourself in a blanket.
-Let yourself settle into body and breath, counting your exhales from one to ten to help yourself focus.
-Allow yourself to be aware of this time of greatest darkness...the darkness of vast space between galaxies...the dark of the deep sea...the dark of the womb...the dark of the black earth.
-Sink into this darkness, feel its spaciousness, its nourishing quality.
-Feel that this darkness is your connection to the Great Source of life. It is not empty but, like the womb, full of radical potential.
-As your comfort and connection grows, notice if it gives birth to a small spark, the return of light, a flame that is like a pilot light.
-Feel how the balance between the fecund dark and the return of the light organically and dynamically inform each other.
Blessings of the season to you!
Megan Rundel is the resident teacher at the Crimson Gate Meditation Community in Oakland, CA..